lets take our track bikes to the CX race and stand besides the course and smoke cigarettes

Nothing to see here

Took the week off of the bike due to illness, that likely had nothing to do with riding around in the mud drunk for two straight days. So there is nothing to report. However, a teammate found these gems on the web.

http://www.bicycling.com/mb/slide/home/1,8155,s1-2-41-0,00.html

Ah, Rad

SSCXWC 09: Fear and Loathing in the Thunderdome

Day I:

Saturday morning we all woke up hungover after a night touring all the sleazy bars we could before last call. We were running extremely late to the 'fun' ride leaving from Chris King. It was raining sideways, and 100+ bikers were crammed under a undersized pop-up tent in the parking lot. We took off on our 3 hour tour, and went into the rain soaked hills of Portland. The ride was a CX tour of the Portland hills with no other point then to bring us to spots to drink corporate sponsor Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, and flask whisky. This seemed to be suitable to all involved. The end of the ride was a urban wasteland area with a empty cement foundation stacked with a pyramid of the previously mentioned PBR.

Drunkenly we all made it back to the hotel, where my other hotels guests were pretending to be Mr. Hartlaub, in order to scam various complimentary services. I came back to find the room littered with Champagne bottles, towels soiled with mud, bags flipped over, and various food scraps scattered across our luxury top floor room. What had happened in the short time I had left?

I rounded up my sister and the others from the downstairs bar and headed over to the party to see the first round of the epic battle for the host of the next years SSCXWC. Would it be the pale City of Seattle, or would it be the sunny flower children of San Fransisco. A competitions consisting of: A debate at the party between Representatives from each City, a athlete chosen from each City in the Race, and a gladiator from each City. The best 2/3 would win. We watched the debate, but no clear winner had emerged.

The rest of the night was a blur of parking lot mosh pits, bike porn, transvestites singing karaoke, conga lines, dancing with a 65 year old man, a homeless looking ben drunkenly chatting up ladies, a crashed wedding party, Weisman picking the lock to the roof of the hotel, Liza starting a fight with a newlywed couple who's wedding we had just crashed, and of course Karaoke.

Day II:

After a 2AM Karaoke Jam we woke up to our room destroyed and bodies scattered across all surfaces in the room. When I came to, the general back-alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? All these signs of violence. What had happened? There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of booze known to civilized man since 1544 AD. What kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of CX junkies account for this Mt Rainier beer and uneaten Thai food? Maybe so. But then why all this booze? And these crude jerseys smeared with mud that had dried to a hard brown crust? These were not the tiremarks of your average cyclocross junkie. It was too savage. Too aggressive.

Running late, Mattias and I jump into the SS Race at the Cross Crusade Race, and give it our best hung over attempt at racing.

After that beer was our recovery drink, that and whiskey. Got to hydrate for performance. Sure, we can listen to the Joe Friel Training bible, taper down, heart rate monitors, level 2 fitness, etc.... We could do this, but our race was different. It was a classic affirmation of everything right and true and decent in bike racing. It was a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities singlespeed cyclocross in this country—but only for those with true grit. And we were chock full of that.

Near dusk a crowd of freaks, misfits, cross junky's and assembled at this Temple of cross, the thunderdome. In some circles, the SSCXWC is a far far better thing than the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one. This race attracts a very special breed.

The tormentors lined us up to a le mans style start to the bikes. The gauntlet was dropped and the gloves were off. A brand new Single Speed CX bike was the prize to the first racer to the top of the hill, and the battle for the host of next years SSCXWC was on the line. Sheila Moon assembled the best of the worst and we got ready for the madness.

As tyler said to Jason "As your attorney, I advise you to buy a pink cross bike. How else can we cover a thing like this righteously? "

You can see my seatpost bent back at a 45 degree angle. Carbon seatposts are no match for an overweight ape mounting a cross bike in an alcohol fueled frenzy.
Off the barriers and to the Thunderdome for Battle.
What kind of sick and depraved swine would put a bus load of strippers and booze in the middle of a cross race, surely the work of a true animal.

The Black Sabbath tribute band was not match for the cacophony that was the SSCXWC race.

The race ended and the true battle was underway, a statuesque ape appeared at the far end of the Thunderdome ready to through down to bring the race to his barbarian Northern City. In a bold move of cowardice and alcohol inspired reverse psychology, Liza was nominated to battle this insidious swine. His vibrations were getting nasty. But why? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? No matter, it was time to fight.

Liza's battle:

Liza was victorious, but it was no good. San Fransisco had tied the debate, but had lost the race. After the battle we escaped town in a mud covered Yaris filled with bikes and smells that could turn the head of a wastewater treatment plant operator. Mattias and I escaped on the last flight to Oakland legs still covered in excessive mud, and a blood alcohol level well in excess of the legal limit. Somehow getting through security covered in Mud is not an issue when leaving Portland.

Our journey was over, the race was lost to Seattle, and our minds were twisted by a weekend of booze, strippers, karaoke, mud, and cross racing. We may never be the same again.

What the press had to say about it.
http://cxmagazine.com/sscxwc-single-speed-portland-dave-queen#more-6480

"The gladiator mud wrestling event was the only slight hiccup in this transition
as a young woman from San Francisco survived a hefty body slam to prevail in the
best-of-five sumo-style match."

http://www.pdxcross.com/galleries/sscxwc-means-a-blast

http://www.velonews.com/article/99945

"Seattle's contestant was an energetic man poised for whatever lay in store
for him. San Francisco's contender was an equally ready woman who will be
forever known as St. SanFran as she toppled Seattle in a sumo-style
mud-wrestling bout in front of a surly crowd. "

Wanna see the end of Sundays race?

First lap. Over.

Healed.... sort of

Shoulder is feeling better, about 80%. So with a partially working right arm, liza, guy and I went down to Santa Cruz.

I had another thing calling me out to the trails. A new frame. Check it. They make fighter planes out of that shit, so you know its gotta be good!

About to leave for a race. If any motherfucker crashes me out of this one, I'm getting medieval on his ass.

Catching up on my Bike vids

I love the announcer, after Sam Hill wins, "That was the closest thing to a public execution this side of Saudi Arabia"

Ouch

It was all going so well. I was gaining ground on the top 20s into my second lap, and the guy in front of me tubular tire became unglued. As he hit the tarmac, I followed suite. We were going somewhere around 15 mph when I rolled over him. I landed on my head, and banged up my shoulder.
I had the wind taken almost completely out of me, but I did manage to say to the guy who crashed, and I quote, "You suck..... weeeez..... I hate you." While not very sporting, it was exactly how I felt at the moment. I did later apologize.
The X-rays said nothing was broken, but good god it hurts. So now I'm chewing codeine and hanging out on the couch

Surf City I, now with more class

The rain is quickly approaching NorCal and the first CX race of the season has been raced. The true end of summer here.

Saturday me and Mr. Weissman climbed Mt. Tam. I some how made it to the top and back down on my CX bike without destroying my new ride and without getting a flat. I was amazed.

Sunday was the return to CX racing in Norcal for me and Liza. I spent last year doing poorly in the Men's C division, and Liza was sand bagging the ladies B field. I was fat and sucked so that was my excuse. Liza was met with vicious karma for sandbagging and suffered many flats and dropped chains.

So hoping for the best we up'd category. I got a great start and held on for 45 minutes and was able to get 14/42. So far my best result ever in CX. I felt great the entire race and was able to keep a few guys in front of me in sight. Next time.

Liza crushed a few bitches, but the competition was stiff. She ended up getting 9/17.

The rest of the Shelia Moon team had mixed results. Sasha rolled a tubular. Derrick got pushed over in some gravel, and Uri? got 7th.

Heckling was there, but not with the same gusto. Beer was banned due to the high school venue and most of the participants seemed to comply. So things never got too crazy and drunken. I cracked a rib on my Thursday night ride and was on enough Advil that beer was out of the question (in order to save what is left of my liver.) But plenty of beer will be spilled in the coming weeks.

In other news: SSCXWC09 Nov 7&8.

I signed up http://www.bikereg.com/events/register.asp?EventID=9327

Flight is booked. Bags are packed. Oh shit.

Nudie Magazine Day (Billy Madison Ref......)

Yo, I got my new CX bike today. So Hott. After selling off my Colnago to Craigslist, I found myself a Marin Cortina.
I took it for an quick afterwork ride today, and whooooweee...........nice.

She comes equiped with a fine mix of FSA, Mavic and SRAM components, not an offbrand in the mix. After one ride on the the Rival/Force drivetrain, I can say I'm sold. Made the Shimano drivetrain on the old CX bike feel like I was riding with downtube shifters. Sram wins again.
Anyways, its new bike City and I'm the Major.

The bike, unlike my old one, comes with a reasonable gear mix. Why on earth did Colnago spec a CX bike with a 39/53 Crank. WTF.

The stable will be complete on Sunday when my new Ti Kish comes in. Out with the old, in with the new. Sheeeiiittt.

RIP DJ AM a true talent lost

Thinking about buying some carbon anything? Here is a compling arguement to not do so.

http://www.bustedcarbon.com/

Thinking about buying a 29r? Here is a compeling arguement to.




So I turned 30, and to celebrate, I hit my favorite underrated town. RENO. Its dirty, its sleezy, and there is mountain biking all around it. Got some of my favorite sections of the TRT in and got some high quality low stakes gambling.

I also got my self a few decent birthday presents:

and:

ah shit.

Cross season is upon us, and it is time for stories of mud, blood, and cowbells. Hopefully Liza attends more races, and I do better than DFL in most of my races. Saw only a few minutes of the unoffical start of CX season (DFL) here in the bay due to Hangovers, workload, and the inability to show up on time.

http://picasaweb.google.com/mhartlaub/DFL?feat=directlink

sswc

http://www.durangoherald.com/sections/News/2009/09/20/2000plus_riders_race_for_winning_tattoos_at_Single_Speed_World_Championships/

Off to work

Whats up Mutha fuck'azzz

So much has happened since we've last spoken.

I got a new bike

I raced against Barry Wicks in drag:

Liza, Wehage, Guy and I took on the entire TRT:

The anouncement for the CXSSWC has gone out:

Here's the truth of it all: CycloCrossing leads to single speeding, and
single speeding leads to racing. And that was damn near the start of it
all. Look at us now, busted up and everyone talking about hard
times. But we've learned from the mud of it all. SSCXWC has
learned. Portland's learned. Now when men get to racing it happens
here...and it finishes here. Hundreds of men enter, one man leaves.
And right now, we've got hundreds of men! Hundreds of men with guts full
of fear. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.....racing time is
here."
Welcome to another edition of Thunder Dome!
2009 marks the final
season of Portland's post nuclear fallout grip over single speed
cyclocross. It's time for a new utopia to emerge, a new 'CrossTown.'
In an effort to out perform previous years, the final Portland chapter redefines
'championships.' Using a similar format to 2008, racers will qualify for
the main event following a time trial. Men's and Women's categories will
be separated. In the end, hundreds enter, one leaves. Additionally,
and perhaps most importantly, a race within the race shall decide who hosts the
2010 SSCXWC. This race will be less the traditional test of speed,
endurance and technical prowess and more Thunder Dome. Two teams enter,
one team leaves. A battle worthy of a song, nay an anthem, powerful enough
to revive Tina Turner's career, convince Mel Gibson to remake the Mad Max
episodes, and ultimately propel single speed cyclocross through the apocalypse
and into the other side. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... racing
time is here.
When: November 7th and 8thRegistration: http://www.bikereg.com/events/register.asp?eventid=9327Where:
Portland, OregonMore Information and updates: http://www.sscxwc09.com/

Fuck Yeah For Weekends OFF

Saturday we did a group ride in Tamarancho and a little sumin else!
Sunday was all about Santa Cruz. Partying also happened at the Gestalt. The best place to stop after riding in Fairfax. Sunday night hung out with the sister for some very strong margaritas at the rose.

Good times!

Get your panties in a bunch.

Its back: 9/9, 9/16, 9/23

Remember Last year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKc65DNYO-g

Taint Paint: get some

http://www.taintpaint.com/info.htm

"Use Taint Paint's all natural mixture of bees wax,
coconut oil, almond oil and vitamin E to combat:

Mechanic’s ass
Trucker’s Butt
Chapped Chode
Torn up Taint
Athlete’s Chafe

Asshole Casserole
Diaper Rash (Both Infant and Elderly)
Farmer’s Crack
Swamp ass (Swass) and Crotch

Over Sexed Grundel
Raw Booty
Niagra Balls
Tender Haunches
-

And any other rubbed or sore area.

For External Use Only"

Craigslist

So I have my Nomad up for Sale on Craiglist and this is the reply that I got. Felt I needed to share.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/bik/1330722353.html

" Greetings, Just a shot in the dark, i figured it couldn't hurt to ask.wanting to trade a glock 17 for ur frame!It would be done by a local licensed gunshop of courseOr I also have a electric fender strat with seymour duncan pickups, natural wood with a maple neck, payed 600 bucks 3 yrs ago.ANyway, just a thought.No worries if ur not interested, good luck!peace!"

Is this Ted Nugent? I think I need to party with whomever this is.

railing on roadies and hipsters

Coors Classic back again

http://www.velonews.com/article/96554

Tahoe again

Off to Tahoe. Enjoy this Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2Dn0hs-CM8

Last weekends ride

This last weekend, me and the girls (Justing and guy) went to Tahoe for some gnar.

Did 17 miles of Hole in the Ground, which was not enough for Guy and Justin. They decided to tag on an extra 19 miles of Tahoe rim trail after our first ride.

The next day we did a brutal south lake ride starting from Meyers -> Echo Summit -> Hawley Grade Trail -> Up Xmas Valley Trail -> Tahoe Rim Trail -> Mr Toads wild ride. 35 mile unreal amounts of climbing, no air, and an amazing downhill into town.

Here's a few action shots. We didn't stop much for pictures.

Epic Suffering and Climbing

My little car packed to the brim

Guy Shred'n

Visit Oakland!

Texting While Driving......

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/07/19/technology/20090719-driving-game.html?hp

SF to LA Bike Tour

The Bummer Life was nowhere in sight for the past 6 days as Tyler and I fucked up some miles of beautiful coastline.

Crack'n the NUT.

After doing Soil Saloon #2 on Wednesday I drove up to Oregon and met up with Wehage to do the The North Umpqua River Trail or the NUT.

The NUT is 79 mile backrub/lottery-win/orgasm... I mean trail that meanders along the raging Umpqua River.

Kris and his buddy Inigo (Who has excellent taste in bikes) met up near Roseburg somewhere around 12:00 on Thursday night and found a campsite near a crusty hells angel and his mama. After slamming down a plate of eggs we packed up the car and headed east to the source of the problem, Maidu Lake.

We started along some high cascade singletrack smack dab in the middle of the a mosquito swarm. Along the way Kris and Inigo lost the ability to Brake and had to bail at Lemlo Lake, leaving me alone for the next 30 Miles or so. The trail was like a pump track in some places and a tourture chamber in others. It was either flowy or the climbs would make you beg for mercy. I finished the fist 30 miles in two hours, but the last 10 took two more. The section called 'Dread and Terror' was really hard exposed and handcrafted by the gods. At the end of the gem was a 108 hotsprings, perfect for an after ride soak. While I was left along for most of the ride Wehage and Inigo did agree to leave me a little stash of food and beer for the end of the ride, while they went to town to fix their rides back up.

The Next day we left from Camp and tried to finish the rest of the trail. We packed enough for the night and camped at the end of the trail for a little bike-packing experience. The trail was incredibly hard. Sections were loaded with climbing and the short little climbs sucked up all of your energy. We ended up having to bail on the last section because we were out of daylight.

I'm heading back next year to get that last section.

http://www.imba.com/epics/north_umpqua_trail.html

http://www.blm.gov/or/districts/roseburg/recreation/umpquatrails/index.html

Liza is currently on her own little adventure along the coast touring with another bike shop slave. She's heading to LA and then back via the PCH (HWY1). I'm off to Siam right now.

Soil Saloon Race Series

http://soilsaloon.com/

don't stop till you get it enough

Perhaps the greatest statue created since Winged Vicotry, I present you 'Michael Jackson and Bubbles' by Jeff Koons

RIP Mr. Jackson

Please show your respect by leaving your favorite Michael Jackson pedophile joke in the comment box. I'll start:

Q: Did you hear Micheal Jackson was found dead?
A: He got food poisoning from an 11 year old wiener.

Bromantic Weekend in Tahoe

So guy and I headed to Tahoe for the weekend for a little bit of biking, beer, and blackjack.

We took off Saturday morning fresh and early. Got into town around 10:00 AM and decided to get some breakfast skillets and play some cheap blackjack at a pub/casino in Incline Village. Starting with $5.00 in quarters we made fast money at the casino which was great since guy has never gambled ever (Beginners luck). Enough to pay for lunch + tip!

After me and guy knocked over the Casino for lunch, we decided to tear up the trails as well. First on the list was Mt rose to Flume and back. Guy and I were in full IBRC gear (Circa 2003) and met up with some other ex-collegiate riders on the trail. We ended up doing an extended downhill bonus route with them and got a few beers and a shuttle back to Mt Rose too!

On our way to Flume

Guy rushing past scared tourist on the Flume

Guy is like Rainman with Blackjack

After the ride we decided to see if Guy's beginners luck would hold. It did. We played for 5 hours, and stayed steady, while guy raked in 30 bucks at the dollar table. Wahoo!

The next day we did the classic Brockway Summit to Tahoe City ride. We also added the fun of making it a loop, turning the normally 20 mile ride to some where around a 37 miler. ekk.

Was very tired when we got back.

I want to go back.

When keeping it real goes wrong

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ifMoaUbKGuxS55TAJ11h1lZ8f4nAD98TB57O0

Former mountain biking world champion Melissa "Missy" Giove was ordered held on $250,000 bail Thursday after federal authorities said they seized more than 200 pounds of marijuana from a truck she was driving in upstate New York.